The holidays are such a joyful time—the anticipation of spending time with those we love, eating a hot meal together. But with the holidays also comes pressure: expectations, anxiety. 

Did I get enough gifts? The right ones? Will they fit? Will they like them—and is everything even? 

I’ve talked with a lot of moms about this, wondering if they do the same thing I do—trying to balance not just the number of gifts but also their cost. 

“Impossible,” one of my friends said. “How can you do that when one person asks for a big gift?” But every year I’ve done it. I make lists of each child’s presents, writing down the cost of every item. I shop until the last minute, making sure everything feels balanced—an impossible feat I’ve somehow pulled off for years. 

I always try to make Christmas special—a time when they can all be spoiled. Somewhere along the way, I connected the amount and cost of gifts with them knowing they are enough, worthy, special. 

Maybe I am trying to give them something I didn’t have as a child. The quiet certainty that they matter.

The kids are all adults now, and I find myself wondering how long I can keep this up—how long should I keep this up? The older they get, the more I realize they aren’t keeping track the way I have. Sure, they’d notice if one person got an iPhone and another got a hoodie—but really, it’s me who puts this enormous pressure on myself. 

That pressure takes some of the joy out of it. 

It’s everywhere—subtle reminders, quiet comparisons, the sense that there’s always one more thing to buy—but it still feels like something I’m choosing to carry.

Even when I have everything lined up perfectly, I still worry I didn’t do enough or didn’t get it right. It’s a quiet anxiety that hums beneath what should feel simple.

This year, I’m trying to let myself off the hook. I still have a list, and I am still trying to aim for balance—but I’m doing it with the understanding that my children want the same thing as I do: family bonding, connection, time together.

I’m releasing the idea of getting things “just right.” This feels closer to what the holidays are meant to be for us.